GUEST POST:: Everything’s Bigger In Texas, Y’all – Part I

EDITOR’S NOTE: I am so pleased to share Beautypendence’s first ever guest post, in three parts. Debbie is a dear, longtime friend who was so generous to share her personal story with you. I hope that you enjoy!

How many “mottos” you have heard for Texas? “Don’t mess with Texas”; “Texas: It’s like a Whole Other Country”. There are loads of them; however, the one that resonates with me the most is “Everything’s Bigger in Texas”. Yes, Texas is really big, but that is not why it is so meaningful to me.

I have never been thin. Voluptuous? Yes. Curvaceous? Yes. Shapely… you get the picture. Well, you can look at the picture below. Damn, I used to look good! Yes, it was 30 years ago in Jamaica where I followed my then boyfriend of eight months. He says he left the country to escape me, but I hired Pinkerton Detectives to track him down and dogged his every step since. I think that is a bit harsh, but we have now been together for over 30 years, so he can’t really be trying to escape too hard.

Debbie = total hottie

Things happened in Jamaica (another long story), and we didn’t get married there as planned. Bummer. However, we did eventually tie the knot 11 years later and moved to Texas with my job. Once we were in Texas, one of the mottos started talking to me. Although my whole body listened, some parts of my anatomy took it more to heart than others. No, I didn’t get a Beyoncé butt. Nor did my hair do “Dallas”, which is fortunate as my name is Debbie, and “Debbie Does Dallas” has other connotations. No, it was my boobs. They had been a lovely 36C for years, but when Texas became their home, they decided they were going to take that motto seriously.

It started with a small change to a D, and then a DD. By the way, did you know there is an alphabet specifically for bras? A ( A baby, A baby, A ); B (Be thankful you’ve got those); C (Cuddly); D (Damn); DD (Double Damn); E (Enormous); F (F*#k me those are big); G (God Damn); H (Humongous).

I looked up to see if there really was an official alphabet and found a Celebrity Breast website and the person listed with the largest natural breasts is Norma Stitz (72 ZZZ). Wow, that’s a lot to carry around! I wanted to develop a special item for large breasted women called the “boober”, like a walker but you could rest your boobs on it. This would help prevent the bilateral Grand Canyons from developing on your shoulders, but I didn’t and someone will probably now make millions with it.

The previously Cuddly, cute lovelies decided that since there was all this space in Texas, they were going to fill it up. Yes friends, I grew to be a 36 God Damn! People could tell I was arriving because the sun was eclipsed or because the boobs arrived in the room five minutes before the rest of me.

For those of you who are not abundantly endowed in the chest region, it might be difficult to realize what effect having large boobs can have. Because I developed boobs early, I was subject to catcalls and the occasional passing grope from schoolboys. Not the “I fancy you” type grope that happens once you pass the “is he going to ask me out?” phase. No, I am talking about the grope that happens when you are walking along a train platform in your highly unattractive school uniform AND RED HAT, and a schoolboy from the boys’ school walks in the opposite direction and gropes. Apparently to pubescent teenage boys what I thought of as a highly unattractive school uniform looked like a sign that read, “PLEASE GROPE ME”. Perhaps it was because they went to an all boys school and didn’t see many girls. Although, I went to an all girls school and never once thought a horrid boys uniform read, “GRAB MY CROTCH”.

English cult comedy film and NOT representative of Deb’s school girl uniform

Stay tuned for Part II of Deb’s breast reduction saga next week!

Images: Deb in a bikini – author’s own, Bra size cartoon, St. Trinian’s