Wendy’s Beauty Bill of Rights

I’m a person of strong convictions.  Some would say opinionated.  Others might use the terms ‘bossy’ or ‘authoritative’.  They aren’t un-right, but that doesn’t make said convictions any less absolutely correct under any and all circumstances.

Article I: Freedom from treating your skin like a wax figure from Madame Tussauds.  You know what keeps bar soap in that bar shape?  Wax.  It might be a fancy wax, but it’s a wax substance.  If you spend a lot of money on fancy serums and creams that wax is only acting as a barrier
to their ability to penetrate the skin’s surface.  Get a decent liquid face wash that’s free of fragrance and other possible irritants.  Ban the Bar!

Article II: Freedom from shine without adding layers of makeup.  Blotting papers are the bee’s knees for getting rid of shine.  They may seem dated (I prefer the term ‘classic’), but here’s the thing: they are taking oil OFF your face.  When you apply powder to get rid of shine you are putting more stuff ON your face, on top of the oil you already don’t want there.  You’re adding layers of makeup, which ages you.

[Don’t judge me here: in a pinch you can use the toilet seat covers you find in some public restrooms – it’s the same kind of paper.  Just pull one from the middle of the dispenser.  If this skeeves you out use a paper towel and press gently.]

Article III: Freedom from sun damage.  Let’s just pretend for a moment that skin cancer doesn’t suck: God-willing you’ll live to a ripe old age, and skin like a saddle bag will never, ever be sexy.  I started wearing sun screen religiously when I turned 25, and while I don’t look 25 anymore I also don’t look 40.  Always wear sunscreen.  And don’t forget your neck and chest!

Article IV: The right to get your money’s worth. Some products are worth paying a little more for.  Foundation is one of those things.  Eye shadow is not.  There are great products at every price point.  The Cosmetics Cop is a great resource for product reviews, and her books are my beauty bible.

Article V: Freedom from being a product line lemming. It’s highly unlikely that a single brand will have stellar products across-the-board.  Any salesperson who tells you that you’ll get the best results from using all their products together is at best just naively parroting what they’ve been told by the vendor.  Just smile and nod politely, but buy what makes sense for your skin and your budget.

Article VI: The right to be an educated consumer. Read labels.  If you do nothing else, learn to recognize irritants in your products.  I’ve known many women who used an anti-acne product that was only making things worse because it was full of menthol or other un-helpful ingredients.  [Oh Sea Breeze, I miss your scent and that fresh tingly feeling that I now know was basically the canary in the coal mine for a problem ingredient.] 

Make note of where something is in the ingredients list: the higher up in the list, the more of it there is so the more likely it is to have an effect. That’s true of helpful ingredients too! The Cosmetics Cop has a helpful Ingredients Dictionary you can use. (I swear I don’t work for her, I just idolize her for cutting through all the propaganda pushed on women by the beauty industry.)

Article VII: Freedom of [facial] expression.  Eyebrows are for expression, and that expression should not be perpetual surprise.  I refer to them as comma or parentheses eyebrows. The villainess variety look like mathematical symbols: ^^

They’re telegraphing a mood without you moving an unbotoxed muscle.  Browse through a magazine and take a look at celebrities you think are timelessly beautiful, then examine their eyebrow shape. You’re unlikely to find anything shaped like any form of punctuation.  Start with Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, or Helen Mirren.  Rinse and repeat as needed.

Article VIII: The right to be unnatural.  ‘Natural’ does not automatically mean good for your skin.  Hemlock is natural.  Poison ivy is natural.  Dramatic and seemingly obvious, but you get my point.  There are a whole host of natural things that you shouldn’t put on your face including grapefruit, mint, cinnamon, lavender, lemongrass. These aren’t guaranteed to cause problems, but they can.  Let science do its thing sometimes.

Article IX: The right to whiter teeth.  Just do it. You’ll look thinner, prettier, taller, and smarter. Okay maybe not taller, but seriously it’s the cheapest, quickest and most flattering thing you can do for your face. People won’t know what’s different about you, but I guarantee they’ll notice.